Dr. Quate’s Medical Malady Mania! Diagnosis here!

[Quate]

Hello all,

I am Dr. Quate, MD, and I have some great news. The US has officially approved my license to practice online medicine on this very message board!

Yes, you heard that right! This thread is like a clinic, and I am like the doctor at the clinic!

Please comment below with any and all medical maladies you might be suffering, and I will mend you. This IS legally binding medical advice!

Any responses posted here are covered by HIPAA (doctor patient confidentiality), so please don’t read anyone else’s comments or you will be banned.

Good luck!

[Dorn]

Bless the world, I've been looking for a place to get help since my local doctor got run out of town.

It's my jaw that's been acting up. The damn thing locks up at the worst of times, and once it does I can't open my mouth more than quarter inch.

Entire meals are ruined.
The worst inlaws getting last words in, while I'm reduced to mere mumbling.

You've gotta help me doc! I can't keep living like this.

[Quate]

Bless the world, I've been looking for a place to get help since my local doctor got run out of town.

It's my jaw that's been acting up. The damn thing locks up at the worst of times, and once it does I can't open my mouth more than quarter inch.

Entire meals are ruined.
The worst inlaws getting last words in, while I'm reduced to mere mumbling.

You've gotta help me doc! I can't keep living like this.

Dear Dorn,

One of my favorite videos is Can I Beat Halo Before The Rubber Bands Crush My TV?. I've never watched it before, but I think it might have the solution to your problem!

Instead of rubber bands, use popsicle sticks, and instead of a TV, use your jaw. Next time your jaw locks up, place one new popsicle stick between your top and bottom molars every minute. Once you've beaten Halo once, you can remove all the popsicle sticks, and voila: your jaw is unstuck!

The picture attached demonstrates this. (Shout out to my friend Jennifer "Jenny" Jam for modeling for this photograph!)

To get all the popsicle sticks required, you have to eat all the popsicles first. You should melt them all down using a hair dryer and then drink the juices.

This will help,
Dr. Quate

[StinkBoy69]

Dear Dr. Quate,


I write seeking some advice and is not directly a physical malady but I do hope you can help. I work for a tech company, it started out lean and mean full of people who do work. As of late the company has grown and now I am surrounded douche bags with MBA's who have an ass load of acronyms and that apparently makes them cool.

During meetings where I interact with these pasty wieners I want to go mid-evil on there ass much like the gif below. This company pays me out the ass but I am losing my sanity having to deal with these seat huffers(the bad kind, not like my sniffing). How can I maintain my sanity? Should I cave in on my carnal desires or maybe you could write me a prescription for quaaludes? I am open to suggestions.

P.S. Can you refer a good sausage enlarging pills. I see so many advertisements in my research that I can not decide.

ripp&tear.gif (2.39 MiB) Viewed 476324 times

Take Care,
Stinkyboy69

[Quate]

Dear Dr. Quate,


I write seeking some advice and is not directly a physical malady but I do hope you can help. I work for a tech company, it started out lean and mean full of people who do work. As of late the company has grown and now I am surrounded douche bags with MBA's who have an ass load of acronyms and that apparently makes them cool.

During meetings where I interact with these pasty wieners I want to go mid-evil on there ass much like the gif below. This company pays me out the ass but I am losing my sanity having to deal with these seat huffers(the bad kind, not like my sniffing). How can I maintain my sanity? Should I cave in on my carnal desires or maybe you could write me a prescription for quaaludes? I am open to suggestions.

P.S. Can you refer a good sausage enlarging pills. I see so many advertisements in my research that I can not decide.


ripp&tear.gif


Take Care,
Stinkyboy69

Dear Stinky Boy,

I officially diagnose you with a case of Hateyourjobitis. It’s an exceedingly rare condition — almost everyone, including yours truly, loves their job — but it can occur.

I recommend you take Stupid Pills to get over it. These are not pills that make you stupid. Instead, they are pills that make you LOOK stupid. This will piss your dumbfuck coworkers off (they’ll be thinking “how did this schmuck get the same job I have?? He gets paid the same as me???”) but will not affect your job performance.

These pills will make you ask for clarification every single time an acronym is used. They will make you stop flushing the toilet. They will make you yawn really loudly all the time. They will make you wear mismatching socks and drink flat warm soda.

Your coworkers will off themselves, one by one, guaranteed. And then you’ll own the company!

They cost $10,000 each.

Your sausage(s) will shrink in size due to the stupid pills but it’s okay because you can counteract this effect by taking Enlargamib pills.

Those also cost $10,000 each.

This will help,
Dr. Quate

[bolognazamboni]

Dear Dr. Quate,

I hope this reaches you well. About seven months ago I developed what appears to be a "slow leak". When I try to wheel around, I'm constantly getting stuck on uneven terrain. When I patch the leak, it reappears in another spot. It is really affecting my mobility. I find myself giving up often before reaching my destination. I'm worried about the long-term effects of a sedentary life if I'm rendered immobile much longer. Where does all of the air keep coming from? How can I get it to stop?

Kind Regards

[ExtraPants]

Hello doctor,

Ive been having an excess of gas lately. I cant seem to stop burping and farting. This isnt intentional, i just open and mouth and air growls out. Or when i bend over, poots slip out with no pressure, smelling so bad i sometimes think i mightve defecated. Please help me dr. Quate

Love,
ExtraPants