what are you working on

feedback and brainstorm
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angelboydiscoman
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what are you working on

Post by angelboydiscoman » Sun Feb 24, 2019 2:16 am

post a work in progress. here's one from my notes

hey. i know its been awhile, i just wanted to call, check up
let you know im having a kid
yeah its massive. its really made me rethink a lot of my life.
and i just wanted to say...
that i am so freakin sorry.
i am so freakin sorry for the terrible things i said to you.
can ya ever forgive me?
i made a boo boo
a big time boo boo with your feelings
and im man enough to admit it.
and im just. so freakin. sorry.

i feel like a ripe peach.
i dont know exactly what i mean by that.
uhhh fuzzy. soft. sorry.
you see, this is the problem, i just, i just freakin say stuff before thinking it through!
and im freakin sorry as soon as i say it!
im freakin sorry for saying anything!
the only thing im not sorry for saying...
is 'im sorry'

and to prove it
and this is kind of why i called
i want you to know that im gonna name my newborn something apology related
like 'sorry,' or 'sorrow'
'sorrow' is a beautiful name
its like a beautiful fantasy name
'Sorrow!'
you can really proclaim 'sorrow.'

maybe 'contrition?' kinda sounds like a name.
'trish,' for short.
'contrition...did you eat my jellybeans?'

i dont know
whatever the name, its gonna be a very impactful
sorrowful name
'sorrowful?'
eh that kinda sounds depression medication

anyway, hope things are good, i gotta go!
*click*

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slammity_dan
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Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2019 8:56 pm

Re: what are you working on

Post by slammity_dan » Fri Mar 08, 2019 10:21 am

I think this is an ok opening—it introduces the character reasonably well and sets up a bunch of possible weird things about him. But I don't know where I want to take it. Ideas are welcome.

Gary didn't want to go to school. This was his daily routine. He would wake up in a bed that he'd outgrown and lie there a bit. He'd swear to himself that he wouldn't stay up so late. Another 10 minutes of groaning and he'd be out of bed, still dressed in his stained blue jumpsuit from yesterday. Gary's mom would call out to him to come for breakfast. It was Eggo waffles. It was always Eggo waffles. Gary's mom had won a lifetime supply of Eggo in a raffle several years ago. The toaster it came with had long since broken, but it had remained a vestigial part of the kitchen. Gary sat down to his still-thawing breakfast. He scarfed down his meal and headed off to school, half-uniformed and all.

Gary had taken two steps out the door when he impulsively tapped his back pocket and realized he had left the car keys inside the house. He violently twisted his body around to catch the door, but it had closed and locked. Gary knew the rules. He wasn't allowed back home until his job was complete. He went to the garage and checked the workbench cabinets and the tops of the shelving units, but he knew he had used up all the spare keys the week prior and never bothered putting them back. Gary was already late to work. The kids would be starting first period now. He went back to the workbench and grabbed a pair of needle-nose pliers and a hammer. With the hammer, he broke the backseat window and crawled through. There was no alarm, Gary's mother couldn't afford one. Gary deftly disassembled the steering column and systematically broke off each panel. He had the car hot-wired in under two minutes. Now at the wheel, Gary raced out of the garage and onto the slippery Michigan roads. With a lot of luck, Gary arrived at the middle school 20 minutes later.

Ms. Butterick was smoking nervously outside the school. She seemed surprised to see him, and quickly flicked the smoldering cigarette away. "Jesus Christ, Gary. You look like shit. Are you drunk?"

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MoxieFamous
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Re: what are you working on

Post by MoxieFamous » Sun Mar 17, 2019 2:28 am

For some reason this reminds me of the middle school band teacher who I went to church with when I was a kid who ended up being a pedophile. Something about adults with authority who children are supposed to look up to being very flawed human beings in their private lives. That's sort of the theme I'm picking up from the character introductions, and that could be an angle you'd want to explore a bit more to find the direction you want it to move in.

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slammity_dan
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Re: what are you working on

Post by slammity_dan » Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:04 pm

MoxieFamous wrote:
Sun Mar 17, 2019 2:28 am
For some reason this reminds me of the middle school band teacher who I went to church with when I was a kid who ended up being a pedophile. Something about adults with authority who children are supposed to look up to being very flawed human beings in their private lives. That's sort of the theme I'm picking up from the character introductions, and that could be an angle you'd want to explore a bit more to find the direction you want it to move in.
Thank you for the suggestion! I'll probably sit down and write some more of this, and another piece, this week.

Keep it slammin,
Dan

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